Bloor Cinema – Aside from being an amazing venue to see offbeat fare, my sentimental-favourite movie theatre on the planet also acted as de facto therapist couch for me during a mini Me-film-fest last year.
Roy Thomson Hall – My all-time favourite place in T-Dot, where I “lay the podium down” via an ongoing conversation I’ve been engaged in with the locals for years now. And just as Toronto’s welcoming to every out-of-town fat kid who rolls down Queen, the kind folks of Southern Ontario have always seen fit to sell out these “shows.” It’s not an overstatement to say this place probably saved my life last February, when I bombed into town feeling completely irrelevant and over. I was born again on this stage and I’d like to die on this stage (attention psychos: of natural causes).
Malcolm Ingram’s Apartment (Church and Wellesley) – Malcolm is Toronto to me (even though he hails from Oakville). I met him when Clerks was invited to the 1994 film festival, and we’ve been besties ever since. If that sounds gay, no worries: Malcolm’s as gay as the day as long. His apartment is located “on the corner of c–k & gay” according to him. Then, if you’re a dude, he might try to kiss you. Gotta be a thin dude, apparently, as Malcolm’s never tried to kiss me. *sigh*
The Hockey Hall of Fame – I like to roam the halls of the Hall, weeping. It’s a really moving experience. Took (actor/pal Jason) Mewes and Malcolm once, and couldn’t get past the relief mural outside without crying. M&M were like, “Kev? You might be smoking too much weed …”
Gretzky’s Restaurant – This is like a mini, all-99 version of the HHOF for me. My kinda eats in a Gretz-centric environment. Every time I’m there, I try to pry the front door handles loose to take home. Instead, I settle for Pierogies.
Silver Snail – I own a comic book store, so I can’t plug a competitor ? even if the store is a country away. So I’ll just say this: Silver Snail is the best comic book store in the world. There: now I’ve set them up for failure with impossible expectations. Who’s f–kin’ next?!?
Degrassi-Land – (Epitome Pictures compound, near Eglinton and Victoria Park) This is a world within a world. In Degrassi-Land, I dispense aged, bearded wisdom to lesbian lasses and troubled teens, and I can play hockey with Caitlin Ryan … tonsil hockey, that is! In Degrassi-Land, I can be a god; a god who never gets served divorce papers from his wife, because it’s all just make-pretend.
Brantford – Hometown of the Gretzkys. Also home of one of the top-10 moments of my life: my surprisingly limber performance in goal, after a 15-year absence, at the Walter Gretzky Street Hockey Tournament. I will return here every June until I’m dead. Eliot’s Bookshop (Yonge and Wellesley) Been there once, but it was during a trip when I was expressly in town to look for old hockey books. This place was like one-stop shopping with the library-like selection.
Eaton Centre – I’ve been here lots, but the most memorable time would’ve been when Malcolm and I got really stoned, listened to “Chloe Dancer” a hundred times, ate at Morton’s Steak House, then wandered around Eaton Centre, stoner-shopping. Never has one man made so many separate Peanut Glosette purchases over the course of an hour.
Richtree Market Restaurant (Yonge and Wellington ? R.I.P.) – Very near HHOF. It was like a school cafeteria with fresh, good food. And you could have 12 different styles of meal in one sitting. Thirty-six if you digested there, then restarted. I’ve heard.
Southern Accents (in the Mirvish Village) – Excellent eats, always a seat. One week, I ate there four nights straight. With two lunches.
Brass Rail – As much as I love Canada, it stands to reason that affection would extend to Canadian ladies. Especially when they’re naked. And they always liked me for me. I’m certain of it. I once dumped hundreds of bucks on lap-dances there. Oddly, it was for my wife.
