During the “Clerks II” theatrical release, I was supposed to do one of those iTunes Celebrity Playlists; y’know - the collection of songs choices and (brief) explanations for their inclusion that give us an insight into what, say, Minnie Driver likes to rock out to.

(Yes, rather than the myriad other well-known folks who’ve done an iTunes Celebrity Playlist, I dropped a Minnie Driver reference on your asses - because A) I remember reading her list, years back, with great interest, and B) because Minnie Driver doesn’t get name-dropped nearly enough, as far as I’m concerned. Is there anyone out there who’d disagree with the fact that the chick was genius in “Grosse Pointe Blank”? For that performance alone, she deserves more shout-outs.)

Sadly, at the time, I was in the midst of a press tour, and I didn’t feel like I had strong enough intervals in which to do a playlist justice. I mean, while folks like to use the Celebrity Playlist as a promotional device, I can’t approach it as lightly. Putting together a playlist is incredibly personal and lays the author naked. It’s the modern day equivalent of making a mix tape for someone you’re crushing on: you run as much risk of winning her/his heart as you do firmly ensconcing yourself on their “Avoid At All Costs” manifest. So I declined to submit one at that point, asking to be considered again at some future date, when I wasn’t flying from city to city and doing ten hours or more of press a day.

Cut to three weeks ago, when - as another promotional vehicle for the “Clerks II” DVD - I was afforded a second bite at the iTunes apple (pun intended). With a more comfortable alottment of hours to lavish on crafting a playlist and honest explanations for track inclusions beyind “Because this song rocks”, I buried myself in my iTunes library, culling through ten thousand plus tracks, searching for the songs that’d represent my “desert island” choices. A day later, I submitted it to the publicity folks at Genius (the home video label of the Weinstein Company).

Two days later, shit went south.

“This is a great playlist,” Darin from Apple wrote. “Too great, actually. We don’t have the space for comments that run that long. Will he be OK with us editing them (significantly) or would he prefer to do that himself? Two sentences for each track is a good outline.”

Pam’s follow-up email, while flattering, was little help: “My contact (at Apple) said he’s never had this problem before. He shared that usually he receives play lists that don’t include any comments. He said yours is the best they’ve ever received and he wishes they could make it work.”

But the idea of trimming down (significantly, apparently) that Rorschach of the Soul known as the Celebrity Playlist didn’t interest me. So with no hard feelings on either behalf, I declined inclusion.

And here we are.

The lesson in all of this: never ask a fat non-celeb with over-compensation issues that stem from having a little cock and too much lard hanging from every appendage (except the aforementioned cock) to do a Celebrity Playlist.

As a firm believer in the “manufacture for use” principle, I now present you with my aborted (non) Celebrity Playlist.